why?
meishan ah meishan. maybe it is time for me to blog again. i need a place to vent out everything in me. i really need a place.
yes, i met up with ZH and lynn last tues. of course, we both had a great talk. and of course, it hurts me to see him teared so much. for a moment, i was stunned. for a moment, i kept questioning myself if i have fully gotten over him. I have the answer already when instead of ZH, it was HIM who kept appearing in my mind.
so the chapter with ZH has officially came into an end. now is a brand new chapter with him.
pls question me here. i know i am very happy when i am with him. i know that i smile a lot when i am with him. but recently, the uneasiness set in pretty much. I feel more and more wrong. i felt that i don't seem to make him happy like he does to me. I felt that i am not good a girlfriend. i felt that we are very different. i cannot take it anymore. i had a talk with him again last night.
he finally admit. he admitted that he felt that when he is with me, he don't feel pretty much needed by me. He felt that i was too independent. i seemed to be able to solve things myself. really? really? really? am i potraying such impressions to him and all my friends? actually, i am very tired. i don;t wanna act strong anymore. cuz i am not, i am just a girl. a girl who is also vulnerable. a girl who needs to be loved. a girl who needs someone too take care of.
i am confused. why am i behaving in such ways. i am sad. i am irritated by my own behaviour. can anyone tell me what's happening? the only thing i can think of is that, perhaps, i was too hurt by the previous r/s, i had told myself not to rely so much on other person, for the fact that he might just leave you anytime without any warnings. he might just leave you the next day, the next hour, the next minute or even the next second. I felt lost again. it sucks to be feeling so insecure always.
i had always thought that by being independent, that is the best way to protect myself. The way i saw how my mom brought the family up when my dad fell sick 7 years back, taught me to be more independent.
but, it is not fair to him. it is not going to make things work better for us if i continue to be like that. but there seems to be an internal struggle in me. there seems to be a barrier in me. there seems to be something in me that stops me to rely on him. is it trust? phobia? protection?
can anyone tell me what to do? i am beginning to lose track of myself again. and this are signals that i have fallen deep in. Should i continue to give more? or should i continue to withdraw?
why am i always thinking so much? why am i always so emotional?
meishan. stop pretending to be strong. cuz u are not.
yes, i met up with ZH and lynn last tues. of course, we both had a great talk. and of course, it hurts me to see him teared so much. for a moment, i was stunned. for a moment, i kept questioning myself if i have fully gotten over him. I have the answer already when instead of ZH, it was HIM who kept appearing in my mind.
so the chapter with ZH has officially came into an end. now is a brand new chapter with him.
pls question me here. i know i am very happy when i am with him. i know that i smile a lot when i am with him. but recently, the uneasiness set in pretty much. I feel more and more wrong. i felt that i don't seem to make him happy like he does to me. I felt that i am not good a girlfriend. i felt that we are very different. i cannot take it anymore. i had a talk with him again last night.
he finally admit. he admitted that he felt that when he is with me, he don't feel pretty much needed by me. He felt that i was too independent. i seemed to be able to solve things myself. really? really? really? am i potraying such impressions to him and all my friends? actually, i am very tired. i don;t wanna act strong anymore. cuz i am not, i am just a girl. a girl who is also vulnerable. a girl who needs to be loved. a girl who needs someone too take care of.
i am confused. why am i behaving in such ways. i am sad. i am irritated by my own behaviour. can anyone tell me what's happening? the only thing i can think of is that, perhaps, i was too hurt by the previous r/s, i had told myself not to rely so much on other person, for the fact that he might just leave you anytime without any warnings. he might just leave you the next day, the next hour, the next minute or even the next second. I felt lost again. it sucks to be feeling so insecure always.
i had always thought that by being independent, that is the best way to protect myself. The way i saw how my mom brought the family up when my dad fell sick 7 years back, taught me to be more independent.
but, it is not fair to him. it is not going to make things work better for us if i continue to be like that. but there seems to be an internal struggle in me. there seems to be a barrier in me. there seems to be something in me that stops me to rely on him. is it trust? phobia? protection?
can anyone tell me what to do? i am beginning to lose track of myself again. and this are signals that i have fallen deep in. Should i continue to give more? or should i continue to withdraw?
why am i always thinking so much? why am i always so emotional?
meishan. stop pretending to be strong. cuz u are not.
posted by mEishAn at 2:59 PM
2 Comments:
meishan, u r not always independent n strong, the reason y we c u so is probably coz u appear so be4 us.. this is just a weightage thingy...it depends on where u draw the line for being strong... does it mean that u r strong if someone near u is more vulnerable? wad i m trying to say here is, just be yrself...zhihui will understand, pls stop self reproaching...it is not wrong to appear independent, be strong, or take care of others... somehow he will be the one who likes this unique character of yrs. :)
yea.. i think u self reproach too much.. Learn to criticise others more.
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